two scenes


the fly buzzes around her ear, returning once more
she flicks it away
moves her hand in an oval, a one-armed conductor
but the humming is astray

if only she could pluck the foul creature from the air
smash it to bits
make it descend
the murderous rage surprises her
it is indeed only a fly

the child runs across the gray plasticine tiles
throwing himself onto the faded mattress
he takes a while
to get from his game of gravity
“are you good?” i ask
estás bien?
“i fell,” he replies
me caí

he is content with his giant leaps
what he would call falling


The power went out today, and honestly, I didn’t really notice all day because the sun was warm and I was busy. In the morning, we were practicing multiplication and division by 2. The kids get multiplication pretty easily but division seems to be much more difficult for whatever reason. I need to think of some new strategies for teaching that skill. The day passed, however, at about 6:00 pm when the sun began to set, and the little breeze from earlier  began to turn into the dry mountain wind that seems to creep into my bones, it really set in that we might now have power for a long time, and because my phone was dead and the internet was down, I had no way to contact anyone. Of course, I could have borrowed Loba, the cook’s phone or another one of the adults if I really needed to. But this wasn’t an emergency, and what would I have to say? Nothing that important.

I relish time without technology, and honestly on a day to day basis in Tijuana, I don’t use much of it. When I do go on my phone, I am usually 1) looking up a word that I don’t know in Spanish 2) talking to my family or 3) writing about what I see and hear and breathe and smell and taste so that I can remember my experience. Today, I used nothing, no games on my computer to help with the math I was teaching and when I was trying to ask for nail clippers, I had to use the words I already knew and mime the action.

As the darkness set in, we lit candles- velas in the kitchen, and it reminded me both of singing Silent Night at the Christmas Eve service at my home church and of camping. I had the idea to roast marshmallows over the candles with toothpicks. The kids loved it, getting all flustered, trying to make the marshmallows toast while not incinerating them, but also taking such glee when the blue licking flames would burst upon the marshmallow, burning it to a crisp. I think it is an almost divine experience to light candles in the dark as your only source of light. You feel the power when the match strikes and all of sudden those words in Genesis, “Let there be light” are no longer just words; the flames flickering and slowly devouring the tepid string of the candle and melting the wax. The huge shadows dancing and glinting on the walls. We were subdued and exhilarated all at once, bathed in soft candlelight, but relishing our sugar high, our fingers sticky sweet, and everything was a little more frightening and quite a bit more funny that night.

Finally at about 8:30 pm the power came back on, but if I’m honest I was a little sad. I quite like to live by candlelight, although of course LED’s are much more convenient.

That’s all I can manage today. No recap of the week, although hopefully one is coming soon.

Thanks for reading!

vignettes: january 28 – feburary 7

First, I would like to apologize for this post being so late. We lost internet at Maria’s, so I am squishing almost two weeks of content into one post.

The week started off with some of the best chicken I’ve ever had, and I don’t say that lightly because I’m usually vegetarian. Maria, Panchitas and Maria’s mom Claudia and I went to a pawn shop east of Rojo Gomez to buy an electric saw as Maria is getting new beds for the girl’s room. After buying the saw we went and explored the flea market just outside the mall complex and went to buy some fruits and vegetables for the Unidos por Siempre. By this time it was lunch so we drove down the street to eat lunch with Maria’s friends, Maggie and Gordo (whose real name I didn’t quite catch), who are street vendors of some amazing chicken. It came with the customary beans and tortillas and was really quite delicious.

Street Market
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday passed as normally as they could, except now I have new students to teach. Over the weekend Unidos for Siempre gained five new residents. Mara and her children, Jose Eliazar (Jacumi), Melina and her four-month-old baby, David. She was being sequestered by her sister, who was supposed to be helping Mara take care of the children. Unfortunately, her sister is addicted to meth and was not at all helping Mara can her children. Mara was found by the police in the area between Tecate and Tijuana and then brought to Unidos por Siempre. To be honest, I have heard the story three times now and I still do not totally understand what happened, but it is very sad. I think her son Jose Eliazar, was learning how to steal things instead of going to school and the whole family was obviously in a very bad place. Both Jose Eliazar and Melina do not know how to read. My other new student is Adiel, who is six and came here because his parents were physically abusive. I was talking to Alex on Thursday about how I wish I had a little clone of me so that I could teach more kids at the same time. I usually try to work one on one or one on two, because I am not a teacher and all the students are at different places in learning how to read.
Fernando and Adiel, with Jacumi in the backround
Ididria and Itsayana

Alex and I also discussed the bad translation of the word orphanage for casa hogar. Unidos for Siempre is not an orphanage in the traditional sense, indeed most ‘orphanages’ in Tijuana are not true orphanages. Most of the children who live here do have a family, it may not be their mother or father, but there are family members in their lives. This is why some kids stay at the orphanage leave for the weekend or stay with their families for extended periods of time. Camilla and Ididria and Pepe are a good example of this. On February 3, the girls went to stay with their father and will be there until March, while Pepe is still staying at Unidos por Siempre. Maria is a steady presence in these children’s lives, whether they live at the Casa Hogar or they just receive meals and tutoring.

February 5, there was no school to celebrate Constitution Day, and a lot of the children were still at their relative’s homes, but on Tuesday all of the kids came back and there was school again! … Or so I thought, it turned out that the second and third graders didn’t have classes because there was a problem with a wall. I’m starting to become a little suspicious of the public school, as there seem to be quite a few days where there is no school for no apparent reason. Tuesday morning a hairdresser came to cut the boys hair, which was exciting and a little scary for the boys– a lot of them closed their eyes and were a little scared, but once they saw their new haircuts, they were overjoyed and kept asking ¿eres guapo? and looking in the mirror. Later that day two prospective donors, Nancy and Anna, from San Diego came to visit the orphanage and took lots of pictures. We flip-flopped English and Spanish as Anna could speak a bit of Spanish, but Nancy spoke hardly any. I often wonder how Maria meets all these people and donors but its lovely to know that her work resonates with other people.

Tuesday ended up being a really busy day. That night, a family of nine from Guerrero arrived after a four day bus ride. Guerrero is an extremely violent state due to narcotics trafficking. Acapulco, the previously glamours resort town, is now the murder capital of Mexico. The teenage daughters of the family had gotten mixed up in the trade through their boyfriends, one of whom had been shot and the family fled north, to an uncle who works for Maria’s son Abram. They are going to stay in the house that Abram recently bought for a month until they can find work. Their story is really heartbreaking, and I got the sense that Maria was holding back as she explained. The demand for illegal drugs in the United States has fueled a culture of terror and violence in Guerrero and in many parts of Mexico and is extremely saddening. There is a time for strength in the face of such harsh realities, but to me this was a time of mourning; mourning for this family, for those affected by drug and cartel violence and for the lack of care, the purposeful ignorance of those who create the demand for these drugs in the United States. It is heartbreaking.

I will not leave you with any encouragement. I will not romanticize what is happening, what has happened and what continues to happen. “This is why I weep and my eyes overflow with tears. No one is near to comfort me,  no one to restore my spirit. My children are destitute because the enemy has prevailed.” – Lamentations 1:16

vignettes: january 22 – january 27

On Monday, some of the kids started to trickle back from their relative’s homes where they were over the weekend and the week passed relatively uneventfully. I am slowly making progress with Fernando and Elmer in learning all the letters and the sounds of the alphabet. Hopefully, in the next two weeks, we will be able to move onto small words which will be really exciting. I am going to order a parenting book called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child from Amazon, to get some new tactics for managing the children when I am the only adult around. Shout out to my psychologist who recommended that book to me!

Friday and Saturday the Doxa Board had their meeting here in Tijuana, which I was lucky enough to sit in on. We started out in Maria’s Orphanage on Friday and had around four hours of meetings split by an amazing lunch of tamales with all the toppings made by Panchita. The Doxa Board is in an interesting time of transition because for many years the Doxa Board was not only governing the organization but was also in charge of the day to day work for Doxa. Now the board is now transitioning to more of a traditional nonprofit board, governing the organization rather than actually doing the work to run the organization. Because Alex Knopes was brought on as Executive Director in 2015 the board has slowly been moving some of its previous responsibilities onto Alex. Alex used the metaphor of mountain climbing to describe the different roles of the board and the Executive Director. The board can choose what mountain Doxa is going to climb and gives the Executive Director tools to climb the mountain, but it is Alex who actually climbs the mountain.

Whiteboard notes
All of Doxa Board, with Maria and Panchita

After lunch the board discussed financials, and fundraising as boards tend to do. We also looked at two properties that Doxa might possibly look into buying in Rojo Gomez. Currently, Maria’s orphanage cannot host housing groups larger than 30 and when groups come, it affects a lot of the children as they have to stay with their relatives or stay in Maria’s small apartment, as the sleeping quarters are being used by groups. Doxa wants to invest and expand their program in the east side of Tijuana, which would entail buying land and constructing new buildings, but that is a decision for the future.

View from Casa Hogar de los Niños
Soraida’s baby, Mateo with Andrew Schein, Doxa Board President

Late afternoon we piled back up into trucks and vans and headed over to West Tijuana, to Pedregal de Santa Julia, where I first became acquainted with this city through spring break trips. A huge group went to go eat dinner at Tacos El Frances down in Las Playas. The whole board was there as well as Rosa’s family, Doxa employees, and their families. It was one of the first experiences I’ve had of seeing the two parts of Doxa come together. On one end of the table were all the people who could only speak English– American board members, in the middle were people who could speak both, and on the other end were people who could only speak Spanish– Mexican Doxa employees and their families. And then a few people were moving back and forth between both ends. It was such a lovely night to catch up and connect with new friends and old.

Model of the new community center
Architectural plans

Saturday morning we listened to a presentation by architect Aaron Gutierrez of Amorphica Design Research Office as well as Gina Muñoz, Roberto Gutierrez, and Aldo Cano about the community center that will be built in Pedregal. It was really exciting to see the plans, and hear about Amorphica’s mission and vision in Tijuana and across the border as well as the way that their firm has approached the design for the community center. There are lots of classrooms, a Zumba dance room, and my favorite space, Siempre Juntos Todo el Tiempo– always together all the time, on the first level. It is so exciting to see this dream start to come true and I cannot wait for what is coming for Doxa’s educational and community programs in West Tijuana.

Overall it was such a busy, yet joy-filled weekend to see how God is acting in Doxa on a large scale!

put your records on: january 2018

I’m sharing my music taste again. My playlist of the month is a little bit different this month, as after I came to Tijuana, I haven’t been listing to very many new releases.

january 2018


I started off the year with “New Year’s Day” from the new Taylor Swift album. I love how subdued the song is compared to the rest of the album. Then because I have been pretty behind in listening to hip-hop, I added some tunes off Jamila Wood’s debut HEAVN. Her song “LSD”, featuring Chance the Rapper is one of my favorites. I have also been really enjoying Roy Wood’s new album Say Less. I only heard of him in 2016 after Nocturnal came out, but I love his style of music and lyrics. Particular favorites include “Something New” and “Monday to Monday”. In terms of pop music Sigrid’s “Don’t Kill My Vibe” was on repeat for a long bit, it’s such a danceable and catchy song and her voice is absolutely incredible. Her song “Dynamite” is a very good example of the range that her voice has, she sounds almost like Adele in parts, but still maintains a unique tambor.

I hope you had a wonderful first month of 2018! Now that the orphanage I am staying at has wifi, I should be able to maintain my resolution of posting twice a week.

on flies

“It turns out that at some moment in their career every true writer has dedicated to a fly a poem, a page, a paragraph, a line; if you’re a writer and haven’t yet done it, I think you should follow my example and do it right now; flies are Eumenides, they are Erinyes; they punish you.” – Augusto Monterroso

they, suffocating, all enveloping
every drop of food that is not being eaten by
dirty human hands or rummaged through by
skinny cats is being eaten by

crowding around potatoes and oranges
slowly peeling away the layers to get to the flesh
boys surrounding a fight in high school hallways
they, the visible and ever present uninvited guest
ever exploring, finding new territory to conquer
what must i do to stop this terrible half buzzing unrest

they, some sign of the divine
for I may be bigger, but I cannot kill
swarm and move quicker
then my thought to swat one away
drunk on that liquor

zooming erratically
patiently on the ceiling
some new vantage point
they, wings failing

in threes and fours and tens and hundreds
and thousands on the kitchen cable cord
claim this, this life
this, this cucumber
this, this spot on the wall
while i cannot claim anything

vignettes: january 16 – january 21

I am spending a few months working with Doxa, a nonprofit that focuses on education, community and house-building in Tijuana. I am staying at Unidos por Siempre, one of the orphanages that Doxa partners with, where I stayed for a week during my work with Doxa last July. María runs the orphanage, but all the children here call her “Mama” or “Madrina” and being here has been like returning to a distant relative’s home. I know it, yet everything is still new. I am getting to know the children who were not here over the summer and María’s extended family, indeed how this orphanage is run.

The days here ebb and flow, with the coming and going of the children and with the light. Even without an alarm, I wake up with the sun and at 6:00 pm it is already dark and I begin to get sleepy. When the younger children go to school in the afternoon, the whole orphanage gets quieter and when they return in the hours before dinner there is a great commotion as some of the children try to do their homework and the others play and yell outside.

at Unidos Por Siempre

Some of the children remembered me from the summer- especially the girls who I stayed with- Camila, Ididria and Sabrina as well as Fernando to whom I was teaching the alphabet. I have restarted that process, but it is a daunting task because there is so much to learn in order to be able to read and write. However, I think Spanish is much easier to teach than English because there are fewer letters that are silent or have multiple sounds. Often I have to remember that my goals must be small and attainable and that success will not come overnight. I have found encouragement in Romans 8:24-25 which says “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” I am trying to wait patiently, to continue working a little bit every day with the children.

In the meantime, I have been learning about the all the different little things that make up this community in Rojo Gomez. On Wednesday, I went to the pharmacy with María to get anti-lice shampoo, combs, and gel because I had shown her the nits- los piojos in Camilla, Ididria, and Anita’s hair. Over two days Panchitas and an assortment of others picked out all (or at least almost all) of the nits in their hair. Camilla’s was by far the worst. She may have had a nit on every hair on her head. Then on Thursday, the man who sells movies came and I was amazed to find DVD discs of films that are currently out in the theaters. I’ve now seen Jumanji and Coco both of which are currently playing in cinemas. This underground dissemination of illegally copied files, which travel to all the houses in the neighborhood is fascinating. The collection of films was also quite interesting. Besides the movies out in theaters now, there were small indie films like L’Amante Double, which is a French film that debuted at the London Film Festival in 2017, and lots of children’s animated movies.

the illegal DVDs

On Saturday a lot of the children who went home to their families for the weekend came over in the afternoon and some friends of María’s came by with clothing donations. Just before they left, they threw a whole bunch of coins for the children to run and collect. It was fun to see the joy on the kid’s faces as they counted the monedas but I was hyper-aware of the sense that it felt exactly like treating poverty like a game, and felt very condescending,

The week so far has been immensely freeing. My responsibilities take lots of time and energy and patience, but they are simple, to help with whatever is needed and to hang out with the kids and teach them to read.