airplane thoughts #2

I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.
in my mind there was still some sliver of a chance, but then crushed by the weight of the knowledge, I wondered what did I do wrong?

we kissed under the stars once
talked late into the dark
all for one bitter coffee and then no contact

you said you felt awful for the way you treated me
and I forgave you because how could I not?
your sweet eyes and gentle voice
compelling me to ache and seethe at your callous uncaring
your intelligence and excitement for topics that you care about
but just not me

you asked how I still liked you and I wonder how you ever liked me
you said that i was pretty and smart and easy to talk to and oh how I wish that you would have said that before

it is like we just keep barely missing each other, one always leaving, always me who holds on to some small hope

but there isn’t any hope anymore
I rue the way your eyes light up when you speak about her, and I will never compare. I am not as beautiful or funny or kind. I am the girl who sits waiting for a letter in the mail that never comes, who yearns for something that doesn’t exist, who pines knowing the unlikelihood of returned affection

and still I sit next to you
as you- half asleep
wishing

airplane thoughts #1

Sometimes I wonder if other people think about the world as much as I do
I think people must, but I don’t really know

I wish their was a way to understand someone else’s mind

The clouds outside seem so calming but
when I look out the airplane window all I can think of is how privileged I am

I can’t believe my phone will not charge

Is it a punishment for something I’ve done from the universe?

Honestly I feel like from far away, all of America  looks the same

I wish I could be dead, or just float on a cloud, and have no responsibilities
This cloud is all enveloping, its so so white and bright and pure just ice crystals, but magical all the same
like the ocean, the sky is goes on forever

I wonder if my life has had any meaning
I want my life to be important, to mark the world
even though that’s a silly desire, because I will probably do more harm than good

Does everyone want to help each other?
or maybe they do, but only when its their best interests?

I wonder if I will die alone
does it matter?

I am sleepy

I want to be more kind

My thoughts pass by me, as if they too know that they are not worth being dwelled on, like the puffy blue gray white of the clouds